Lehal Library

Even after I had determined that there was no physiological cause, and that I was no more insane than most of my fellow men, the fears persisted. It was a defect, illness, or deformity that had to be hidden from "normal" people. There was no one to talk to about the problem, other than an occasional meeting with Doctor Bradshaw. The only other solution seemed to be some form of psychotherapy. But a year (or five or ten) of daily interviews costing thousands of dollars with no promised results did not seem very efficient. It was very lonely in those early days. Finally, I began to experiment with this strange aberration, keeping notes of each event. I also began to read in areas of study long neglected in my life pattern. Religion had not greatly influenced my thinking, yet it seemed that this was the only remaining body of the writings and knowledge of man in which I could look for answers. Beyond childhood churchgoing and rare attendance with a friend, God and church and religion had meant little to me. In fact, I had not given the matter much thought one way or another, as it simply did not evoke my interest In my superficial reading of past and present Western philosophies and religions, I found vague references and generalities. Some seemed to fit as somebody's attempt to describe or explain similar incidents. Biblical and Christian writings offered many of these, all without specific causes or cures. The best advice seemed to be to pray, meditate, fast, go to church, absolve my sins, accept the Trinity, believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, resist Evil, or resist not Evil, and give myself to God. All of this did nothing but add to the conflict. If this new thing in my life was "good," i.e., a "gift," then it evidently belonged to saints, or at least saintly types, according to religious history. I felt that qualification for sainthood was certainly above and beyond me. If this new thing was "evil," then it was the Work of the Devil, or, at the least, of a demon trying to possess or dispossess me, and should be exorcised. The orthodox ministers of organized religion whom I met politely accepted the latter view to varying degrees. I got the feeling I was dangerous and heretical in their eyes. They were wary. In the Eastern religions I found more acceptance of the idea, as Doctor Bradshaw had indicated. There was much talk of the existence of a nonphysical body. Again, such a condition of being was the product of great spiritual development Only Masters, Gurus, and other long-trained Holy Men had the ability to leave their physical bodies temporarily to achieve indescribable mystical insights. There were no details, and no pragmatic explanation of what was meant by spiritual development. Implied was that in