Lehal Library

emancipation and upward struggle depends chiefly upon his translation of the unknown into the known, through the use of his intellect and the scientific principle. That was the dilemma. It may have been truly the touch of a magic wand and a gift bestowed I still do not know. 2. SEARCH AND RESEARCH What does one do when faced with an unknown? Turn away and forget about it? In this case, two factors negated that possibility. One was nothing more than curiosity. The second: how can one forget or ignore an elephant in the living room? Or more to the point, a ghost in the bedroom? On the other side of the scale were the conflicts and anxieties, very real, very disturbing. There was no question that I was deeply afraid of what might happen to me if the "condition" continued. I was much more concerned about the possibility of a growing mental illness than a physical deterioration. I had studied enough psychology and had enough psychologist and psychiatrist friends to compound such fears. Moreover, I was afraid to discuss the matter with these friends. I was afraid that I would then be classified as their "patients," and lose the closeness that equality (normalcy) brings. Nonprofessional friends in business and community would be worse. I would be labeled a freak or psychotic, which could seriously affect my life and the lives of those close to me. Finally, it seemed to be something to keep from my family. It seemed unnecessary that they worry along with me. It was only the definite need to explain odd actions that forced the disclosure to my wife. She accepted it reluctantly because there was no other real choice, and thus she became a worried witness to incidents and events much in contradiction to her religious training. The children were then much too young to understand. (Later, the matter became commonplace to them. Away at college, my older daughter reported that after she and her roommate had looked around the empty dorm room one night, she said, "Daddy, if you're here, I think you better go now. We want to get undressed for bed." Actually, I was two hundred miles away at the time, both physically and otherwise.) Gradually I became more accustomed to this strange addition in my life. More and more, I was slowly able to control its movements. In a few ways it had actually become helpful. I had become reluctant to part with it. The mystery of its very presence had aroused my curiosity.